Just don’t be yourself.
I was casually rocking out in someone’s kitchen to crazy dubstep beats by myself the other day and it suddenly struck me that I need to seriously assess my social behaviour. I mean, honestly! What kind of loser goes into an empty kitchen, finds a mini strobe light and starts fully jiving to dubstep?! May I also add that said kitchen has one enormous window overlooking a courtyard. Said courtyard had all of the normal people drinking and smoking and being generally socially adept. Said people were now all staring at me. It took me a long time to notice.
Though, I just can’t help it. Being weird is so ingrained into my poor little soul, I am literally unable to escape it. I finally think I’ve got it all under control, being normal.. being normal.. When out of NOWHERE my face will creep up to an unsuspecting ear of it’s own accord and proceed to bleat. Like a sheep. For NO REASON. I actually did that the other day. Yes, I concern even myself.
So, I thought I’d make a little post detailing exactly the things that I would do. Therefore, you should certainly NOT do. Under any circumstance. Unless you wish to remain single. For. A. Very. Long. Time. Let’s get started;
For example, if you want to be all cute and slightly sexual you’re supposed to bite your lip right? Wrong. Something like that is never, EVER going to go to plan in public. In your minds eye is the lucious image of you, wind blowing through your hair, taunting your crush by having a cheeky nibble. You practically think you’re a porn star. Think again. You look like him. If you really feel like you need to make this move, please spend at least a month perfecting the whole thing. Trust me.
You will only try to fulfill the ‘fancy-ness’ by acting like a blithering idiot. You mustn’t let people know that you’re slightly unhinged, so for the love of Pete don’t egg on your weirdness by wearing silly clothing. Take Tinky Winky here, I’m quite sure that if he didn’t have that tutu on his head, he wouldn’t have executed that particular ridiculous run-wiggle-point-flick. He would have walked to the door like a normal person. This could be you. Put the dressing up box down.
ie. Don’t organise a date to any of these places/things; London Dungeons, Horror Movies, Fun Fair Scary House, Anything Next To A Ledge, Anything Involving Spiders or Big Animals (Zoo). The list goes on. Much badness can only come from such places. You knock yourself out, you start to cry, you wet yourself. Or perhaps all three at once. It’s never fun for a date to have to comfort someone they barely know, who’s slightly damp and smells a little like wee. AVOID.
You will be way too excited. They probably wont care. You will look like both an oversized child and a complete douche. You may well forget you’re even with them and waltz off between the isle’s of Harry Potter memorabilia in a world of your own. I assure you now, they wont hang around to watch you jousting with a fat nerd screaming ‘EXPELLIARMUS’ with some sticks.
There’s nothing more embarrassing than getting to the restaurant and having a slight panic because you can’t see the menu. One of two things will occur; Squinting like a crazy chinese man, trying your hardest to decipher what looks like somewhere a spider fell in ink and crawled across the page. Until finally, through her own embarrassment at the ugliness of your face, she begins to read the menu aloud. For your benefit. Or, you take a stab at any dish, pointing to it when the waiter asks and hoping to God they don’t say “So you’d like the Banoffee Pie for mains, madam?”
It’s never a pretty sight to look up to. It’s a total turn off, especially when you’re spitting bit’s of chicken skin at the unfortunate person sitting opposite you – YOUR DATE. I’m not sure how much they’d enjoy a chicken shower. They will most likely not be able to understand a word your saying either. It’s just bad news for all involved. You’re not a caveman.
The only time skipping is allowed is when you’re around 5 and in the countryside. You’re going to be nervous and walking like a bit of a buffoon anyway, don’t add more complications. Creating a hop in the middle of a walk isn’t sexy. It doesn’t say; “Take me!” Always an error.
You want to be fresh and bouncy and looking your best! You want to give off a brilliant first impression so that they don’t have any inkling whatsoever that you’re a complete moron. Falling asleep at the table/cinema/theme park ride will certainly make you look like an idiot. ESPECIALLY if they’re half way through telling you about their grandma’s uncle’s extraordinary pet vole. Keep on your toes!
Rookie mistake, and so cliché lesbian. Coming on strong on a first date is never acceptable. Well, it may be acceptable if you are actually Daisy Lowe. Hey, I would NOT complain. But, quite frankly, I’m pretty sure you wont be and I’m definitely not. This sort of clingy behaviour usually ends up with the date running hell for leather back to the safety of their home or.. No, no. That’s it.
In conclusion ladies, be as NORMAL as possible. (Although it’s quite ironic that I just accidentally put a ‘B’ there and wrote BORING.) You can show your true colours after.. well.. after a while let’s say. Once you know they love you back, be a madman. That’s what I’m planning on doing anyway.